my saturday special

Today, I cried.

I had an exam that took me 5 1/2 hours to finish. Correction, I didn't finish it. My other classmates used two blue books (probably filled up with answers) while mine had more blank spaces in it than correct statistical derivations. Right now, I'm just frustrated with myself because I could have done better, if only blah blah blah. *sigh* I remember the number of hours I spent trying to derive the different formulae on my own (only to find out they weren't included anywhere in my exam)... Ooh, all those other important stuff that I didn't thoroughly review flashed in front of me... (in bright neon lights... What the?!)

For the longest time, my mind was blank. I stared at my questionnaire. I just didn't know the correct answers, all the summations and rules jumbled in my head. Before I knew it, it was past 6pm. (how could time fly so fast???)

When my classmate, Kathy, hugged me after the exam, I cried. (It's funny when people hug you and make you feel better, that's when you cry...) Mumsy Juliet even gave me chocolates (yummy Flat Tops)... Then I drove Earl, one of my fave Psych friends, who puts up with my quirks to the MRT station.. They all tried to make me feel better with comforting words... but deep inside, I was just disappointed with myself...

Of course this isn't the end of the world or anything (FAR from it!)... but it feels like getting hit on the head with a big THUMP... WAKE UP, LaLa! You're no longer in dreamland... you entered this program and you have the responsibility to study and learn. Majority of the work would come from you, not from your professors or your groupmates. It's gonna be you, your initiative, and your efforts. Dr. David actually said something like this a while ago after the exam --> oftentimes effort is the best predictor of success. (I hope he counts my 5 1/2-hour stay as effort...)

Right after my terrible exam and before meeting up with the canadiagirls for dinner, I swore that I won't use the internet for anything else but research this upcoming week... I was internalizing my faults then... nuninuninuuu...

But during dinner (here comes my justification), we were discussing different things & blogging came up again... (Ahh my mental note then: I just had to write something tonight.)

On our way to Mayen's house for an after-dinner thing, Jill (aka Jillietaaaa) shared how she uses her own blog -- for expressing thoughts and feelings... just like a journal. (So I'm kinda borrowing her idea :p)

When I got home, I told myself... why not write like how I write in my own diary, even just for tonight? Fluid ranting.

And here it is... far from inspiring (sorry Coco dear, I couldn't write inspiring words today; I need one myself... maybe tomorrow after I've rested...)

This one's fresh from the oven...
hot, bittersweet, and as REAL as it could get.
my saturday special.