Inspired

My life for the past few years has been a collection of bits and pieces of this and that. Unsure of where my life was taking me after college, of where I was taking my life rather, I have been trying out various things.

Did I want to become a preschool teacher and put up my own preschool? Did I want to host and turn into a media personality? Did I want to be a dance teacher and promote the love for this art to everyone, both young and old? Did I want to become a real writer and publish hundreds of children's books and novels? Did I want to finish my graduate studies in Psychology and be in the academe? At one point or more in my life, yes, I wanted ALL THOSE.

But after dipping myself in those directions, I realized how difficult it was (atleast for me) to stay in one place and fulfill one of those dreams at my age... And when I say the word "fulfill", I want you to imagine a glass brimming with water where water represents the experiences garnered in those fields. Once the glass is already brimming, the only way not to waste water is to pour them into other similar glasses in the world.

But of course, even if I focused on one field, I am still young at the age of 23 and my glass of water would still be far from being full. But the case is, I think that because I have not been focusing on any single one of the things I mentioned above, I've then collected several glasses, each with droplets of water.

I wanted to TRY EVERYTHING.

Contrary to what this essay may seem, I am not ranting about losing myself and heading towards quarter life crisis. (I've been there too but I don't want to focus on that now.) I'm actually embracing the beautiful mistakes and errors I made in life that made me unique. Without them, I wouldn't be looking for more inspirations and for THE WILL TO BECOME MORE.

Tonight, as I sat in front of Dr. F.G. David (who just had his 69th birthday yesterday), I was struck by his words. Not so long ago, I was driven to go through this MA course that I took. I had the drive to study and perform well in class. And I think I did. But somewhere in the middle, I've learned to try out other things that sometimes cut right across my classes (literally and otherwise). But as with most things, it was a matter of balancing them. I think I did well with the balancing part until very recently.

Just recently, I didn't have the same amount of drive that I used to have. I didn't care as much. And I didn't know for sure where I wanted to be afterwards. Has this ever happened to any of you? What do you do when this happens?

As for me, I just did what I enjoyed doing, which of course were only made up of the FUN stuff. And oh boy, I ENJOYED!

And then I had my examinations. I knew I could have done better afterwards. But I wasn't even thinking about the scores. I think I've grown older now and just thought about learning per se. I was asking myself if I were in the right direction... if I were choosing the right course... the right path.

And then yesterday, I started gathering data for a research. It was raining and I didn't have my car with me. I commuted and hitched in my classmate's car from one place to another in the morning. I haven't done it for so long. And it felt different. "Mobility" earned a new meaning for me. I got the colds the entire day but I tried to finish all the errands I had. For me, the colds gave me the real hassle. Without speaking much to Franco last night, a little sacrifice we had to make, I rested early and cured myself with water therapy. And then this morning, I woke up early to catch a 6am class that was part of my data gathering. The sun was shining, my colds were almost gone, and I just felt good because of what I was doing. It actually made sense and for the longest time of not having felt this, I felt purposeful in a different light.

After all these, I attended my class under Dr. David. My statistics notebook then had the phrases "incessant motivations" and "competing with noone but yourself" on its margins. They were unrelated to the subject matter of Psych 212 but sir David had this knack of combining life's big lessons with derivations. And for me, the former actually made me appreciate this particular class even more. I was learning about life.

For some reason, with his words and with the experiences I had for the research that just started, I went home feeling DRIVEN again.

Now, I'd like to believe that I have clearer goals in mind. Real ones. Ones that involve not just myself but others as well. But I won't elaborate on them tonight. Let's just say they're still like vapor that would condense in time. It will turn into water and pour like rain. Although slowly and painstakingly, I believe I'd have my own share of water soon. And eventually I'd get to fill my glasses with water to the brim.

Oh, I still have questions to ask. I always have. Each of us always has. And maybe the next line could help you too whenever you find yourselves in those moments of confusion. It was sent to me by a good friend and ever since, I've never forgotten it. Maybe because it worked for me.

"Sometimes your purpose in life is bigger than your dreams"