sending my prayers

Pardon the formality of this particular entry. This is my form of coping. In the end, I hope to make sense of all these.

There are things that are inevitable. They happen to us several times but we react the same way each time. It's like watching your favorite funny movie over and over and laughing at the same jokes, lines, and scenes like when you watched it for the first time. Only this time, it's not a funny movie. It's not a movie at all. (The last few lines sound a bit familiar. I'm not sure if it originated elsewhere. To the original author, I send my deepest gratitude: this is how I exactly feel.)

When I took Psychology 279 last semester, I learned various things about the Filipino child.
After all, the title of the course was The Filipino Child.

One of the many things that struck me involved the formation of concepts of young Filipino children. Studies have been made on how children conceived God, fathers, time, money, peace, and death in different age stages. Today, I shall focus on the last one: death.

How does a child perceive death? How does a child conceptualize it?

A study by Nuada (2005) found age differences in children's concept of death. Results of this study showed that most Filipino children at the age of three did not have the sufficient concept of death. For them, death could be likened to a sleeping person who would wake up after a while. These children lacked the understanding of the four aspects of death: universality, irreversibility, nonfunctionality, and causality. On the other hand, most Filipino five-year old children understood three of death's aspects but not universality. For them, death could only be applicable to certain persons (the sick) or age groups (the old). Lastly, at the age of seven, most Filipino children would have understood death's four aspects.

Everyone dies. Infants, children, adolescents, and adults alike may die. When one dies, he/she no longer wakes up or comes back to life. There are various causes of death. And unlike taxes in the Philippines, we cannot escape it. (The last one, I think a Filipino Adult understands.)

These are answers to the concept of what death is. Between the three age groups above, differences in the understanding of death are present. After that, after the age of seven, we remain the same in understanding the whats of death.

I am twenty-three. I no longer remember exactly how or when I first understood death's four aspects. If it was earlier, exactly at, or later than the age of seven, I do not know. What I know is I understood this a long time ago and I still understand the concept now.

But after perceiving and conceptualizing death, how does one accept and cope with it?

We know that anyone may die at any age but how do we accept that someone died at the same age as ours when we feel that we're still so young? We know that there are various causes of death but sometimes we just can't make sense how someone so cheerful and ma-kwento just the other time become ill and absent the next time around. And before we know it, she's gone.

After having lunch with my mom and my brother today, I checked my cellphone. (It was turned off for a couple of hours coz it lacked battery power). I knew I had various messages as I heard it beep before the battery emptied.

As I checked one message after the other, there it was.

It was a message from our research assistant, Mona. She began her text message by telling us that she did not know how to say what she was about to say. Nonetheless, the message was there.

One of our research teammates passed away yesterday at 7:45 am.

Silence.

I was sitting on the floor, silently absorbing the message. I read it over and over with thoughts flying in my head.

Dumbfounded is one of the words that I've always been fond of but the actual feeling of being dumbfounded at that instance was far from something to be fond of. So that was what dumbfounded truly was. I seem to remember it better when I experience it.

My thoughts kept on running. And memories kept on rushing in.

I thought she got well.
I thought she would be better.
I thought we would get to see each other again next year.
I thought we would start our thesis at the same time and graduate at the same time.

I thought all these, saddened that they were no longer true.

We were two hopeful Developmental Psychologists. We were classmates in Psychology 279, the Filipino Child course I was sharing about earlier. I listened to some of her stories both inside and outside that class. They were mostly amusing stories. There were various sides of her (as we all have various sides) but she was mostly fun and funny without even trying. I think I'd remember her that way. I think that is how she would want us to remember her.

While she was still in the hospital, we gave her privacy, respect, and well-wishes from a distance. There were no discussions of detailed details as she wanted to keep things mum.

And I guess until now, those are what we try to give her -- privacy and respect along with our prayers.

*In memory of C.F.P.*