The world didn't change for me to be happier

I did.

Right now, I feel happy. A LOT happier than how I've been for quite a while. For a moment, I thought I've lost myself. I felt so down about where I was, what I've been doing, and who I've been becoming. I felt little. And I felt lost. It does not show much in my posts because I try to erase it from my mind but I think it still peeks a little each time I write. Have you noticed how much I complain about what I do?

I often find myself asking if I'm doing what I truly want to do in my life. I think I'm still on my way there (wherever "there" is). It's not as easy and as fast as I would want it to be but I think I'm slowly getting there.

I don't think I could have instantaneous rewards. Life is not about instant rewards. (Yes, I keep telling myself that). I know I have to be patient, tolerant, and hard-working among other things. But sometimes I find it so difficult because I want to be somewhere else or to do something else aside from where I am or what I am doing. It's a matter of temporary contentment and a constant test for my id. I can't have everything I want now. Not yet.

I know that there are people who seem blessed and lucky. Things just fall into place for them as if effortlessly (like magnetic puzzles in a field of metal). But when I think about it some more, all of us do exert effort one way or another. It's just that others exert so much while others exert a little. But I believe that the truly satisfied ones are the ones who exert the highest amount of effort for a period of time. The fruits of their labor are most rewarding for their labor has been tedious and real. (Yes, to all the medical students and law students out there, keep doing what you're doing)

But of course this holds true for everyone in whatever field or course or work. Shortcuts are not always the best way to get there. Sometimes we have to climb mountains and swim the deepest oceans. Sometimes we have to read thousands of pages and articles. Sometimes we have to experience sleepless nights. Sometimes we have to say 'no' to so many invitations and to so many people. Sometimes we have to wake up early in the morning, work all day long until the wee hours of the next morning, and just get naps in between. And then hopefully, after all these, we finally get there, wherever there is for us.

I thought that once I'd reach my semestral break, I could break away from where I've been and explore a whole new place. A few days back, I agreed to go outside Manila with a few college friends and was excited at the thought of discovering something new again. But then my family planned our yearly visit to the cemetery and I had to retract my "yes" for the sake of family tradition. I was bummed about it and felt sorry (I hate backing out on anything) but looking back, I think I did the right choice. I spent time with my family and relatives who have been with me from the very start. I could always explore beautiful places but I'd only get to see my cousins, nieces, and nephews a few times in a year. And I wouldn't want to miss out on how they've been for the past months. Children and adults grow up fast while rocks and sands could wait for me.

So I decided to live vicariously and enjoy other people's tales of adventures instead.

Nonetheless, I found myself unconsciously sulking, thinking that I had the corniest semestral breaks ever. And then I thought that having fun is not contingent to the places or people around me. Ultimately, FUN is a state of being that I could create for myself. What may be fun for me could be fun just for myself and that's good enough. If I am able to do that, to find what truly is fun for me, then the heck with where I am. I could have fun wherever whenever. And the best part is, I could be Purposeful and Fun at the same time.

My second issue with myself is actually this: I think I am a child at heart who wants to contribute something to the world but doesn't know how. Is that such a big dream? And a sort of loss because I am still not sure when you ask me "how"?

I just know that at present, I contribute in my own little way, which could grow bigger in time. It's such a safe answer. Safe and intangible. But I'd rather leave it this way because I am not sure how else to answer my own question or if I have the right to answer it at this point.

For the meantime, I am much happier now. And I hope I could sustain this for the upcoming months and years.

Being HAPPY does not mean that I have all the answers. It's just that I've accepted that I don't have them and I tell myself, "it's ok."

P.S.
I finally finished my observations and transcriptions. I emailed them to the rest of the research team a while ago. And I think I have gathered enough strength and lessons for me to face another chapter of work. Next assignment: interviews with children.