Unnatural Task

It’s so difficult to write when you’re writing something that just feels unnatural. Blogging feels natural. Writing articles feels near natural. Thesis writing is excruciatingly difficult to do because it entails analysis of past researches, journal articles, and other scholarly works written with words that you don’t usually encounter in real life. And of course there’s that attempt to make your thesis sound yours and personal. And you’d have to keep on paraphrasing everything you’ve read as if reading all of them is not enough work already.

Sometimes I find myself having difficulties because I just can’t seem to put the thoughts into my own words because the writers used the most exact terms I could think of. And changing them would mean being less exact than what they mean.

I wish I could write fiction so I don’t need to read a gazillion books before I finish two pages of worthwhile thoughts.

Looking at my now 43 pages of thesis proposal (it has .5 spacing so that’s roughly 30 pages of single spaced work filled with contemplation), I think I’ve done a pretty good job. But a pretty good job is not enough. It has to be excellent. Somehow, my work still feels a bit raw.

What makes master’s thesis more difficult is you have to do it alone. You have to do it without groupmates whom you know have certain strengths to contribute. I can’t even ask my siblings or my mom or Franco to take a peek at my work because they simply have too many other things to do. My adviser and I are the only ones who have taken a look at my work. And her inputs have been great but I still feel I need someone outside Psych to read my work.

This is one of those many days. I just need a little more push. Time is not the problem. It’s not the time. It’s my time management. I know I’ve been dilly-dallying because I’m a bit scared. Ok because I’m really actually scared. I’ve been posting photos and writing blogs just to take my mind away from this. But now, I’d have to FACE it. It’s May and time is ticking again.

I have to propose by the end of this month. Pray for me. You guys enjoy the summer sun. I’ll be in my bedroom typing away while my papers and books just piled up on the floor, on the table, and on my bed.

When I finish my thesis proposal, I will be celebrating with all of you.

I’ve tried my best keep it mum about my emotions about this task but I guess I just opened myself up now. It has been a year of bottling up and ignoring what I have to do.

Oh my. If I could write my thesis as fast as I could write this entry, then I would have finished it a long time ago.

But that’s why they call it a master’s degree. You don’t earn one by taking an easy-peasy path...

I can do this.
I am doing this.
And finishing it too.