From babbles to baubles to temporary bye-byes

I wanted to paint my room and bought all the needed materials last week. Until now, I haven't started the paint job.

They say kung gusto, maraming paraan at kung ayaw, maraming dahilan. And I agree... if I truly want to do it, there are lots of ways for me to do it but if I don't want to do it, I'd have a never-ending list of excuses.

In this particular case however, I have to finish certain things first before I could start painting my bedroom walls (which I think is my ultimate excuse).

So now, as to discipline myself, I decided to make an action plan. And I want to post my action plan somewhere I'd always see and be forced to follow. MY BLOG.

In order for me to finish fixing my entire bedroom, I'm making a pact with myself.
And YOU, yes you, are my witness.

OUR PACT:
As long as I haven't painted my wall yet, I will not post a single entry after this. No matter how much I itch to write or post, as long as I haven't finished fixing my bedroom and painting this particular wall, I cannot post.

Signed: R.E.A.J. aka Lalalaaand.

Ok, wish me luck, guys! :)

But before I completely disappear for I-don't-know-how-long, I'll leave you with a series of recent photographs (meaning within the past three months or so). You can create your own stories or whatever from them. I have some advanced Christmas treats too just in case I won't be back til the end of December. But keep on posting your comments whenever and wherever you want in my blog. Enjoy!

Photos by me! except for the two photos on top:
top left by Vernon Sarne of Top Gear and top right by our college friend, Paula :)
Thanks, guys!

Sweet November

To our dearest Aenid, Happy Happy Birthday too! And WELCOME HOME!!! :)

sending my prayers

Pardon the formality of this particular entry. This is my form of coping. In the end, I hope to make sense of all these.

There are things that are inevitable. They happen to us several times but we react the same way each time. It's like watching your favorite funny movie over and over and laughing at the same jokes, lines, and scenes like when you watched it for the first time. Only this time, it's not a funny movie. It's not a movie at all. (The last few lines sound a bit familiar. I'm not sure if it originated elsewhere. To the original author, I send my deepest gratitude: this is how I exactly feel.)

When I took Psychology 279 last semester, I learned various things about the Filipino child.
After all, the title of the course was The Filipino Child.

One of the many things that struck me involved the formation of concepts of young Filipino children. Studies have been made on how children conceived God, fathers, time, money, peace, and death in different age stages. Today, I shall focus on the last one: death.

How does a child perceive death? How does a child conceptualize it?

A study by Nuada (2005) found age differences in children's concept of death. Results of this study showed that most Filipino children at the age of three did not have the sufficient concept of death. For them, death could be likened to a sleeping person who would wake up after a while. These children lacked the understanding of the four aspects of death: universality, irreversibility, nonfunctionality, and causality. On the other hand, most Filipino five-year old children understood three of death's aspects but not universality. For them, death could only be applicable to certain persons (the sick) or age groups (the old). Lastly, at the age of seven, most Filipino children would have understood death's four aspects.

Everyone dies. Infants, children, adolescents, and adults alike may die. When one dies, he/she no longer wakes up or comes back to life. There are various causes of death. And unlike taxes in the Philippines, we cannot escape it. (The last one, I think a Filipino Adult understands.)

These are answers to the concept of what death is. Between the three age groups above, differences in the understanding of death are present. After that, after the age of seven, we remain the same in understanding the whats of death.

I am twenty-three. I no longer remember exactly how or when I first understood death's four aspects. If it was earlier, exactly at, or later than the age of seven, I do not know. What I know is I understood this a long time ago and I still understand the concept now.

But after perceiving and conceptualizing death, how does one accept and cope with it?

We know that anyone may die at any age but how do we accept that someone died at the same age as ours when we feel that we're still so young? We know that there are various causes of death but sometimes we just can't make sense how someone so cheerful and ma-kwento just the other time become ill and absent the next time around. And before we know it, she's gone.

After having lunch with my mom and my brother today, I checked my cellphone. (It was turned off for a couple of hours coz it lacked battery power). I knew I had various messages as I heard it beep before the battery emptied.

As I checked one message after the other, there it was.

It was a message from our research assistant, Mona. She began her text message by telling us that she did not know how to say what she was about to say. Nonetheless, the message was there.

One of our research teammates passed away yesterday at 7:45 am.

Silence.

I was sitting on the floor, silently absorbing the message. I read it over and over with thoughts flying in my head.

Dumbfounded is one of the words that I've always been fond of but the actual feeling of being dumbfounded at that instance was far from something to be fond of. So that was what dumbfounded truly was. I seem to remember it better when I experience it.

My thoughts kept on running. And memories kept on rushing in.

I thought she got well.
I thought she would be better.
I thought we would get to see each other again next year.
I thought we would start our thesis at the same time and graduate at the same time.

I thought all these, saddened that they were no longer true.

We were two hopeful Developmental Psychologists. We were classmates in Psychology 279, the Filipino Child course I was sharing about earlier. I listened to some of her stories both inside and outside that class. They were mostly amusing stories. There were various sides of her (as we all have various sides) but she was mostly fun and funny without even trying. I think I'd remember her that way. I think that is how she would want us to remember her.

While she was still in the hospital, we gave her privacy, respect, and well-wishes from a distance. There were no discussions of detailed details as she wanted to keep things mum.

And I guess until now, those are what we try to give her -- privacy and respect along with our prayers.

*In memory of C.F.P.*

One hit and a thousand miss

Sometimes I just have to write for myself but other times I want others to read what I write and elicit any form of reaction. I tell myself that my posts, articles, and entries need not to be flawless. They just have to be real. (Atleast when I try to be real. Writing fiction is a different story.)

Sometimes, well ok oftentimes, I find myself appreciating my own creation. But who else would appreciate them if not me? or my family and friends? So in order for my creations to be appreciated, I appreciate them. I guess that's enough for me. For now. ;)

I'm not saying that what I write are flawless. They're absolutely flawed. It's just that I appreciate their flaws. I appreciate my own attempts to be honest along with my failure of presenting truth in its barest form. I appreciate what my writings lack, what could be added, and what they actually have. I appreciate the varying lengths of my pieces. I appreciate the ending, the beginning, and the body in all their forms.

I'm happy to create more. And I'm not being haughty or anything. There's a fine line between being haughty and confident. I think as Filipinos, we drew that line so thinly.

I truly think that we should all learn to appreciate ourselves. How do we expect others to appreciate us in whatever we do if we do not appreciate ourselves? So yes, appreciate your work and creations. Be it in writing, designing, performing, composing, or getting those most coveted high grades. Be proud of them. You worked so hard for them. You know you did and you should be proud that you did.

As for your personal creations and those hidden talents that are yet to be discovered, why not share them? Let others constructively critize them. Only then do we learn more. Oh, never mind the statistics of having one great hit amidst a dozen failures. We're even lucky if the ratio remained at 1:12.

Just remember that we lose more than we win, but we win more when we try more. As long as we're breathing, we each have a random chance of hitting that bull's eye.

I've got mail!

Whoooooohooooo! :)

Let me tell you why I was so excited when I received this particular "mail" yesterday.

It was a sort of jampacked Thursday. I had my third shoot for SoulMix in the afternoon and learned that my first ep would air this coming Sunday (ABC 5, 6:30 am, hahaha, ok good luck kung magising ako). I actually have a copy of that episode. But to those who wake up early on Sundays (aside from my lolo and lola?!), try to catch it ;-) You'll see a different side of me... a very serious VJ Lala ;p The songs are chosen by Jesuit brothers and the show is produced by Jesuit Communications so expect wholesome music videos that are "good for the soul". There are 5 VJs and each of us comes out only once a month. Mine's up first so try to watch!

Ok enough of the plugging...

After the shoot, I went home and Nikki asked me if I wanted to play tennis. Actually more of learn tennis all over again. The last time I played tennis in an actual game was... never(!) I attended tennis lessons eleven years ago and just learned the basics along with my three sisters. I never really played as in played. But what the heck, I gave it a shot yesterday and had sisterly bonding with my younger sis who would be going back to med school on Monday. As always, I had a few (ok, a number of) tennis balls flying like baseballs outside the court. But I did get some nice hits. (sabi ni Balen, the instructor, ok pa naman yung palo ko). My service was rusty but it was better than when I was 12! Oh, and Maple, Balen's dog, chewed one of our tennis balls. I always thought yellow looked yummy.

And then I took a quick shower and ate an early dinner. Before that, I texted Paulino and informed him that I could join his zipping class (wooohooo finally!)!!! I left the house earlier than usual because I had to attend my second fitting for my cousin's wedding right before the zips class. Good thing it was within the area of my original destination. As I traversed the EDSA-Makati heavy traffic, I prayed that my gas would be enough to get me to the shop. Lo and behold, my less than 1/4 tank of gas was enough.

While chitchatting with Ate Nana and waiting for my turn to fit the dress, I heard my phone beep. I knew I had a text msg but I didn't check it because I was still listening to my cousin's stories (when you're in the middle of a conversation, sometimes it's nice to focus on the person you're with and just ignore your cellphone :p). Anyway, I wore my dress and "Teacher" (my cousins call him teacher) had to cut the hem while I was wearing it. Cool. Their tagline could be "we'll-make-the-dress-while-you-wear-it-and-wait" or ganun ba talaga gumawa ng dress? haha. Ah basta, na-amaze ako.

And then when I got in the car, I remembered that I had a text message and searched for my phone in my bag. Paulino was the one who texted. Classes were cancelled because of the rain. Ok, see you guys next week then! (And oftentimes it's also good to reply to text messages even if it's a little delayed :p). When I learned that I no longer had zips class, the tired feeling came rushing in. I drove home dreading the heavy traffic but more than that, I was lured by the thought of sleeping in my warm cozy bed...

Ok, now that you've read through my entire post (no cheating!), I'm finally going back to my "mail".

I got home. Suddenly, I had hiccups (no connection or whatsoever, I just wanted to share). And then I saw this brown envelope on the piano. It had an all-caps "Lala Jara" written on it.

I thought it was the photos from Cheree because we had our jazz shoot the other night. But then as I reached for the brown envelope, it had my address on it and labels for 4 CDs. (Cheree need not write my address and I knew we just needed one CD...)

Disc 3 had Bea and Lala JPG.

Ooooooh!!! It was from ALOHALESSA! wheeee! Thank you, Alessa!!! This excited me like a little kid :) (wahh, ang babaw ko talaga,haha)

Here are some of the contents of the "mail".

Photographer: Justin Ventura
Makeup artist: Jasmine Mendiola
Clothes from House of Laurel, Maita Fernandez, and BrownBelly
Accessories by Alessa Libongco
Sittings editor: Patty Laurel
Stylist: Noelle Hilario
Models: Bea and Lala

Note: There were also two other models, Fatima and Monique, but I don't have copies of their photos. :)

Xs: Fun and hard work really go together. The people behind this project know this oh-so-well. Yay, congrats to Alessa, Justin, and Jas for doing fantastic jobs. Clap3x!


And as for my favorite, it will always be the candid photo because...

All the fuss and stuff are included. My shoes were actually too big. Patty was just about to fix my perpetually misplaced strand of hair. Bea looked bored but I know she wasn't. And I was right on the dot, responding to that oh-so-familiar name:
Alessa: "Lala"
Lala: "Huh?"
As Justin just clicked away.
It's perfectly imperfect.

My Cupcakes Story!

One of the commonalities I share with my sisters is our loooooooooove for sweets! My sisters and I could start our meals with desserts and end with desserts (with the main course in between!)

Whenever I try out a new dessert in some place, I remember my sisters and think how they would love what I'm having. But particular desserts also seem to remind me of a particular sister. For instance, crepes and creme brulees remind me of Ling. Chocolate chip cookies and window cathedrals remind me of Nikki. Expensive chocolates and kalihim (yes, the tig-piso bread from Filipino bakeries with the red filling) remind me of Ate Monica. ;)

And whenever I see the desserts and sweets mentioned above, my sisters' images just pop in my head. So in a way, wherever I am, my sisters are always at the back of my mind.

Franco, on the other hand, is our complete opposite when it comes to sweets and desserts. He never craves for them. He'd rather eat the main course. He could actually survive an entire lifetime being "dessertless". :p

So it's a big deal for me that I convinced Franco to try out "Cupcakes" by Sonja in Serendra.
Now I could truly say that *cupcakes* remind me of him. ;) And to all those who know the old high school story behind the term "cupcake"... well here's another one I recently made.

The Title Page (it was there!)

Lala and Franco: Under the cupcakes spell...

The flourless cupcake and the carrot cupcake aka Padawan huggers.

Finishing off the flourless chocolate cupcake first...
and cherishing that P98 til the very last centavo.
(Ang mahal naman nyan for a chocolate cupcake. True. Once is enough.)

That's my personal artsy/ad shot and Franco's my unknowing victim.
(ok, I'm giving you permission to laugh silently)
So am I a frustrated comm student or what?

Smile of satisfaction.
See those high rise buildings reflected by my sunglasses? Nice.

And the Cupcakes story continues...

The world didn't change for me to be happier

I did.

Right now, I feel happy. A LOT happier than how I've been for quite a while. For a moment, I thought I've lost myself. I felt so down about where I was, what I've been doing, and who I've been becoming. I felt little. And I felt lost. It does not show much in my posts because I try to erase it from my mind but I think it still peeks a little each time I write. Have you noticed how much I complain about what I do?

I often find myself asking if I'm doing what I truly want to do in my life. I think I'm still on my way there (wherever "there" is). It's not as easy and as fast as I would want it to be but I think I'm slowly getting there.

I don't think I could have instantaneous rewards. Life is not about instant rewards. (Yes, I keep telling myself that). I know I have to be patient, tolerant, and hard-working among other things. But sometimes I find it so difficult because I want to be somewhere else or to do something else aside from where I am or what I am doing. It's a matter of temporary contentment and a constant test for my id. I can't have everything I want now. Not yet.

I know that there are people who seem blessed and lucky. Things just fall into place for them as if effortlessly (like magnetic puzzles in a field of metal). But when I think about it some more, all of us do exert effort one way or another. It's just that others exert so much while others exert a little. But I believe that the truly satisfied ones are the ones who exert the highest amount of effort for a period of time. The fruits of their labor are most rewarding for their labor has been tedious and real. (Yes, to all the medical students and law students out there, keep doing what you're doing)

But of course this holds true for everyone in whatever field or course or work. Shortcuts are not always the best way to get there. Sometimes we have to climb mountains and swim the deepest oceans. Sometimes we have to read thousands of pages and articles. Sometimes we have to experience sleepless nights. Sometimes we have to say 'no' to so many invitations and to so many people. Sometimes we have to wake up early in the morning, work all day long until the wee hours of the next morning, and just get naps in between. And then hopefully, after all these, we finally get there, wherever there is for us.

I thought that once I'd reach my semestral break, I could break away from where I've been and explore a whole new place. A few days back, I agreed to go outside Manila with a few college friends and was excited at the thought of discovering something new again. But then my family planned our yearly visit to the cemetery and I had to retract my "yes" for the sake of family tradition. I was bummed about it and felt sorry (I hate backing out on anything) but looking back, I think I did the right choice. I spent time with my family and relatives who have been with me from the very start. I could always explore beautiful places but I'd only get to see my cousins, nieces, and nephews a few times in a year. And I wouldn't want to miss out on how they've been for the past months. Children and adults grow up fast while rocks and sands could wait for me.

So I decided to live vicariously and enjoy other people's tales of adventures instead.

Nonetheless, I found myself unconsciously sulking, thinking that I had the corniest semestral breaks ever. And then I thought that having fun is not contingent to the places or people around me. Ultimately, FUN is a state of being that I could create for myself. What may be fun for me could be fun just for myself and that's good enough. If I am able to do that, to find what truly is fun for me, then the heck with where I am. I could have fun wherever whenever. And the best part is, I could be Purposeful and Fun at the same time.

My second issue with myself is actually this: I think I am a child at heart who wants to contribute something to the world but doesn't know how. Is that such a big dream? And a sort of loss because I am still not sure when you ask me "how"?

I just know that at present, I contribute in my own little way, which could grow bigger in time. It's such a safe answer. Safe and intangible. But I'd rather leave it this way because I am not sure how else to answer my own question or if I have the right to answer it at this point.

For the meantime, I am much happier now. And I hope I could sustain this for the upcoming months and years.

Being HAPPY does not mean that I have all the answers. It's just that I've accepted that I don't have them and I tell myself, "it's ok."

P.S.
I finally finished my observations and transcriptions. I emailed them to the rest of the research team a while ago. And I think I have gathered enough strength and lessons for me to face another chapter of work. Next assignment: interviews with children.

hollow

I've always loved Halloweens. For the past years, I've spent it with my treasured family and friends.

Back in grade school, I enjoyed dressing up and walking around the village in my Trick or Treat costumes. I've tried trick-or-treating as a hippie, as a witch, and as a gypsy. All those times, I've enjoyed putting on my homemade costume and applied my own make-up to complete whatever look I've decided on. And then in recent years, I spent the Halloween sleeping over my girlfriends' house or attending Jillieta's gigs. Halloweens meant FUN, FUN, FUN! It was one of my favorite seasons besides Christmas.

But today, I no longer had any costume on. I think I outgrew all of them. I didn't even have any makeup because I left my entire kit in Franco's car over the weekend. I only had my trusty sunscreen (SPF 38) to protect my skin. And if anybody asked me what I was for Halloween, I'd say I was a "DRIVER".

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE DRIVING (especially fast driving without all the traffic). But I guess my day started horribly because I was in a rush from the very start and I couldn't do anything about my chapped lips. (All my lip balms were in my other kit.) I couldn't even find my hairbrush and decided to use my fingers to comb my hair. (It actually worked).

While in heavy traffic, I received a message from my best friend in Canada, Cami. Her beloved lola (grandmother) just passed away. Cami's lola used to feed me whenever I came over their place while they were still in the Philippines. My own lola even met her lola and from then on whenever I mentioned Cami to my lola, she would ask me about her lola. After reading that text message, I knew this was a different Halloween.

And it was. For me, it was.

I spent my Halloween night in my cousin's house for her bridal shower. It wasn't the traditional bridal shower with dancers and stuff. Friends, cousins, and their husbands and boyfriends were present. It was fun actually since I spent Halloween with my family and relatives.

And it could have been a completely *happy* one, I think. Possibly.

I tell myself it's not yet over. By tomorrow, I'll know how I truly feel. (Later, rather.)
Because right now, to be honest, I am just floating. And I don't know whether to be sad, sentimental, or something else. It's weird.

It's a weird halloween.
I'm just being honest.

Nonetheless, I hope your Halloweens have been Happy